Josh and I had a very big relationship epiphany last night. I want to write about it for my own sake of attempting to remember and make appropriate behavioral changes for the betterment of us.
During the past four years I have made giant steps toward becoming a person who can function better on a day to day basis. A large part of these personal changes is my work toward learning how to be happy. Learning what it is to be happy, and especially learning how to tell the difference between varying emotions, and accepting those emotions for what they are. The arduous process of learning how to feel within the world what most take for granted makes me wonder how many other people are as I was and do not realize that they do not accept the small feelings. I used to feel emotions in the extreme. When I was sad, most of the time it was full blown clinical depression. When I was happy, I would laugh and bounce and giggle and create a world where everything was good and fantastic and wonderful. This is the girl that Josh fell in love with. Now that I have evened out my emotions in large part I am a more mellow individual. I had to learn that the times that I was not exuberant, but not sad is what qualifies as “happy” or “content”.
Last night we realized that some of Josh’s recent depression was being caused by his subconscious waiting for me to be exited and exuberant about plans and ideas, and the fact that I rarely have that high level of excitement anymore. At times when he craves that excitement from me are times when I am happy to go along with the plan, and content to do whatever comes up in the schedule. I am hoping that now that we have figured out a cause we can work toward the solution. Right now the solution we will be testing out is for Josh to accept my low key acceptance of suggestions without feeling sadness because I am not giddy with the idea.
I am very pleased that we finally realized this underlying issue, because once it was brought to light it became fully visible that this has been causing strife between us for more than a year now.
Every time we find a solution to one of our issues I worry that it will take too much of a conscious effort to keep working at the problem and one day we will forget the proper moves to keep the board in balance and everything will fall apart. (but that’s because deep inside me there lives a little frightening pessimist)