Monthly Archives: May 2012

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Josh, myself and my brother Jason have recently returned from a fabulous week in Japan.  I am working very hard on writing up a full account of our entire trip, but it is long and thus taking me a while.  I was planning on posting the entirety of the whole week all at  once, but with how long it is taking it looks like I may have to just post each day as I complete them.  So bare with me and look forward to seeing fabulous photos and reading all about our trip!!

Super Powers

I have figured out what my super power is.  I have the ability to try and try and try and try to make people happy, and in the end everyone ends up angry at me.

If your first thought is doting and sympathetic or you wish to give words of encouragement.  You want to tell me that it’s not true, I am a really nice person.  Save your breath.  It just means that you don’t really know me.  Consider yourself lucky that you have not witnessed my power in person.

When I was a teenager I separated my psyche into four personas.  I knew I was not schizophrenic, it was just easier for me to deal with the hugely varied emotions I experienced by allowing each persona to control a portion of my emotions, reactions and feelings.  Whenever life goes awry I find myself once again falling back to considering which of me is in control.  Who is it that is making me say the things I say?  Who, deep down, wants me to remain alone and friendless the rest of my life?  Why, at this moment, when all I want to do is run away and hide (my normal reaction to anything emotionally difficult or painful) am I pushing out my skin to make apologies and try to correct mistakes I’ve made, only to find out that what I thought was the right thing to say, was actually the worse thing I ever could have said?  Which one of you hates me?  Do you hate us?  Or only me?  Who is me?  Who am I?

It is hard when all you want to do is go home, but it is the last place you want to be.

Updated Scale of Depression

Mainly just some grammatical changes, but here is the updated version of my scale of depression.

10 stages of Non-Suicidal Depression
+ 2 pre-depression stages

For all of you who do not suffer from depression, here’s a little guide:

0 Happiness – Yes that world filled with rainbows and kittens does exist.

.5 Minor Depression – Commonly referred to as “being sad”.

1 Crying – Often crying leads normal sadness into depression. You are sad.  For no explicable reason you begin to cry.  The crying won’t stop.  Boom, depression.

2 Cleaning – Everything needs to be cleaned, even things that are already clean. You make sure everything you own is spotless and perfectly organized. After about 5 1/2 hours of this you might feel better.  If during the cleaning you fell straight to stage 7, then it’s hopeless and you might as well give up.

3 The Hug – You want someone to hold you and make it all better, but you will likely punch them in the face if they try to administer comfort.

4 Situational – A specific event occurs and creates a cloud that is hard to shake. That is, if you had any energy to try and shake it. (Note: If you are a bystander to a situationally depressed individual please don’t try to make it better. This depression will eventually fade on it’s own, be it after one day or 48.)

5 Abandonment – The world has abandoned you. Your friends have abandoned you. Even your family, standing next to you telling you how much you mean to them and how important you are, have abandoned you. It would be better to just disappear than to feel abandoned.

6 The Hole Part 1 – You are overwhelmed by the all encompassing desire to find a hole, climb into it, and never reappear.

7 Deep Cleaning – You pick a task, e.g. Dishes. You move toward that task, e.g. Walking into the kitchen. You examine the task with a heavy sigh, e.g. Staring at the full sink, cluttered counters, dirty stove and then sigh. You realize that there is nothing in the world that could force you to actually accomplish that task, e.g. You have the full knowledge that many days later you will regret not having done the dishes when you had the time, but it does not matter because nothing matters and the only feasible option is to just sit and mope and not do anything and feel bad for yourself because you’re not doing anything.

8 Running Away – There is hope.  If you run away from home all the pain will stay there instead of remaining your companion. Most of the time this fails simply because there is nowhere to run away to. Logically there are people who would welcome you into their home for a long enough period of time, but then you would have to explain why you’re there. Final decision, stay in bed.

9 The Hole Part 5 – You are obsessed with the all encompassing desire to find a hole, and then put all of the annoying people in it.

10 Rainbows and unicorns make you angry.

Friday the 13th and Other More Recent Events

It has been an exceptionally busy few weeks.  I have been meaning to write a new entry for a long time but life and sleeping seem to always get in the way.  I don’t think I’ll be as exact in my time recollections as usual.

The biggest event in our life since last time is a new baby!

On April 25 my first nephew was born!  Little Cove Yoder entered the world and made an Aunt and Uncle out of myself and Josh.  We will be going to St. George this weekend to see him for the first time.  We are so excited!

Last week my friend Darcy found out about, and instantly decided to enter the Ultimate Utah Wedding competition.  The entry requirement was a 2 minute video about why you are the biggest Utes fan.  So Wednesday night I went over and spent a few hours recording all the Utes things in their house.  I then spent almost every moment that I was not either at work or asleep from Wednesday night through Saturday afternoon getting the video ready, because the due date was Monday the 30th.  Well, all my hard work paid off.  They got the entry submitted and received a call on Monday informing them that they have been selected as finalists.  They will be appearing on Good Things Utah Tuesday May 8th with the other selected finalists.  After the finalists are announced it is public vote that will decide the winning couple.  So as soon as the voting information is announced Tuesday I will post it here so all of you can vote and support all of my hard video editing work!  😉  …and my friends!

Here is the post I wrote regarding Friday the 13th in April, I never finished it and got it posted with my wonderfully busy life, but I want to share it anyway, even a few weeks late.

Friday the 13th.  It was a wonderful yet very interesting day.  My mood was swinging all over the place all day at work.  I was invited to go get a Wal-Mart pedicure during lunch and agreed, mainly because I have never had one and I needed a pick-me-up.  My coworker made appointments for four of us, but when we arrived there were already four people there and only three people working, so after two chairs had opened up and two of the girls were sitting down, the remaining two of us decided that we could not wait for any more seats because otherwise there would not be enough time to get done and back to work on time.  So instead I bought the Hunger Games.  I own the second and third books so I decided it was time to get the first one. In the end I was glad that I did not waste my money for that to be my first pedicure experience.  The two girls who did have pedicures complained about the poor service and horrible job that was done at this location.

By the end of my emotionally turbulent work day I was in very high spirits.  Lots of loud bantering and everyone playfully making fun of everyone else (but mainly me, ha ha).  I was very glad that I managed to become very happy because Josh and I had plans for the evening.

Josh picked me up from work and we drove to Layton for an all you can eat sushi dinner.  We ate a delicious and amazing selection of sushi.  It was fabulous.  We ate a selection of Nigiri sushi: tamago, unagi, inari and tako (for both of us this was the first time eating octopus, delicious and extremely chewy).   We also had 4 different rolls.  King Kong, Playboy, Vegetarian and Idaho.  We both agree that the King Kong was the best of everything we ate.  Josh and I normally do not do “all you can eat” things, but sushi is expensive and we were excited about being able to get as much as we wanted for one price.  Sadly we would have been better off just ordering some sushi and eating our fill and leaving.  The last sushi roll that we ordered was the Idaho, and it was ordered because we needed to buy one more roll to make it so that we ordered the same amount of food as we were paying for.  However there is a policy that if you order all you can eat, and you do not eat all that you order, thus wasting food, you are charged extra for what you don’t eat.  So we are both very full by the time we begin the final roll, 4 pieces each.  Josh eats his four pieces without issue.  I eat one, then the second, and then I stared at my last two pieces for a few moments.  Josh offered to eat one of my last pieces, I know he was just as full as I, but I said that I would really appreciate him eating it.  I put the last piece in my mouth, and after chewing I just could not swallow it.  I should have spit it out, but I took too long attempting to swallow instead of giving up instantly.  So I sat there chewing until I began to heave slightly.  Josh noticed and told me to go to the bathroom if I was going to throw up.  I was unsure where the bathroom was and with a quick glance I was pretty sure that if I made the attempt there was minimal chance that I would make it.  I tried once more to swallow and out it came, into my ready napkin and onto my plate.  This is my first experience vomiting in a public location and I was very embarrassed.  I drank a bunch of water and after we left the restaraunt we walked around a bit in the lovely spring air before driving back to Ogden.  We drove straight to the WSU Art Building for the BFA gallery opening to support our fabulous friend David Powell in his graduation.  It was wonderful to get to see Dave and Janelle again, plus all the friendly faces whom I have not seen in such a long time.

The progress on weight loss has not made much progress at all and will have to wait for another time to be updated, as I had it all typed up and accidentally deleted it…and I don’t want to find all the numbers again right now.  But here’s a photo from a few weeks ago to make you smile and keep life moving in the right direction.  Josh decided to try out a new summer style with less facial hair.

less beard

Also, earlier this week was the birthday of Josh’s mom, Betty.  We bought her an electric weed whacker.  She seemed to love it, as she promptly trimmed the carpet and Josh’s toes.  😉

toe whackinghappy betty